MAGNUM II

"Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn."

Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947- )

Bar One: Walk in, sit down and order a draught. An artist walks in and sits down and orders a draught. An artist fixes me with an indignant glare (eyes crossed, can’t fix one back), and bitches about a failed artist for about an hour. I order another draught. The problem? Said failed artist is either successful or rolling in cash or [god forbid] both. The argument, if you bother tuning in, is….somewhere. For some reason, said failed artist is accused [the horror] of being a ‘failed artist’. Confused, I ask an artist what this means: “Crap art….[expletives]…sell out…nothing new [….] same shit [no shit]….stupid…[….]….lucky…..[substance of choice here]….bastard.” I nod the wrong way. Order another drink while an artist is distracted by a bergie. They leave and a failed artist walks in. Said failed artist doesn’t waste time, and immediately starts bitching about an artist. He doesn’t understand why everyone’s being so horrible. I’m sympathetic. I’m also very confused. Order another draught and attempt the following: a) an artist is jealous because he is poor and disillusioned and believes that he is making fine art; b) an artist is actually really a failed artist who hates all other failed artists; c) unlike not getting laid (for years), the frustration that builds up when your work doesn’t get shown (for years) is…mildly worse; d) maybe he just really wants what you have; e) or what he once had (he was a failed artist, now he is an artist, or vice versa); or f) maybe you’re moving in on his turf.

Failed artist is more considerate in his contempt and calls an artist a ‘punk’ and ‘a little shit’ who ‘doesn’t know fuck all’. ‘Cunt’.

No prizes for guessing…..